Vapor Life

Vapor life... My life as it is, as it should be. *********************************************************************************************************** Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. Fran Lebowitz (1950 - )

Friday, March 27, 2009

Handy Life Lessons II- Friday Rant Dumb and Dumber Edition

Please understand… I am the first to admit when I do something wrong (Not a word Andrew) but in today’s post I wanted to just highlight some quick things that you might want to review, you know in case you have to interact with another person or something.

1) Learn how to Speak English.

No I am not talking to you Mr. Foreign exchange student. I am talking to you Mr/Ms ghetto dweller. If you keep getting funny looks from people you run into ITS BECAUSE WE CANT UNDERSTAND YOU. If only you and the feral cats living under the garbage pile in back of your house can understand your particular dialect of grunts and clicks, its time to do some “BOOK LEARNING”

2) Learn how to write a check.

I dont understand why the bank will give you a checkbook with out making you take a test first. Seriously its not that hard. If don’t get it, ask for a debit card. If you are over 30 and still don’t know how to write a check ask someone. If you still cant manage someone else should be taking care of your finances for you. Also if you write a check you gave us permission to take the money from your account, if we do it electronically IT’S THE EXACT SAME THING. No I cant opt you out of that. Oh and post-date anther check and I will punch you in the mouth.

3) Stop asking me stupid questions.

How the hell would I know where you pay your speeding ticket? Try looking on the ticket. This is not the utility company and I don’t really know how late the oil change place is open. If you start the question with do you know how THEY… stop right there buster. Since THEY are not I then maybe you should march right over THERE and ask THEM. Since I am not THEM you can bet that THEY know better about what you are talking about.

4) Learn how to drive.

I cant stress this enough. I know you are a moron from the way you made a right turn from the left turn lane. Here is some more advice: if you miss a turn go to the next intersection. Don’t back up … just because you are facing the right way does not make it ok… you are still traveling in the wrong direction. NO I DON’T KNOW how much that ticket will cost you. Please review #3

5) Finally, just because you believe something it does not make it true.

You neighbor did not have to pay his deductible? Good for him. He told you that you should not have to pay? Clearly you should be filing this claim with him. Really its not your fault, oh I am sorry, I will get the guardrail to pay that deductible for you, right away. I don’t care what you heard, seriously I am not making this stuff up. You once believed in the tooth fairy didn’t you and look how that turned out for you Einstein.



At 3:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please add to #2. Please dont pre date your check either. Even if your check says you wrote it on the 12th and I dont actually get it till the 27th isnt going to magically make the payment be the received 15 days ago! Lets focus on that for a hot second.....

At 3:18 PM, Blogger Beano said...

true true....


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